A tidbit to share

     I shared this on my facebook and realized I have not shared anything on here in quite a while and thought to share it here, as well.  Holy Spirit bring this to my rememberence every moment of every day.  I will always remember these truths that I have learned from God!

     A wonderful article from a fellow seeker who talks about how the translation is not actually 'gifts' of the spirit. And what the translation actually is, if you do the research. I did the research and found his findings to be accurate. http://www.wiebefamily.org/spiritual_gifts.htm
This leads me to the next conclusion, that when it talks about in 1 Peter 1:2-3 that we will have grace and peace from our knowledge of God...then you take what the effects of grace are, you can look at 1 Cor. 12 and also all other times grace is used it bestows kindness, love, mercy...the core of who God is...and put them back into that verse, 1 Peter 1:2...and you have something even bigger...when you have a knowledge of God you have mercy, kindness, the ability to work miracles, words of wisdom, prophecy, speaking in diverse tongues, discerning of spirits, love, charity, and anything else that falls into the grace of God. Because knowing what God has, and that He's in you, means all that God is...all that yummy goodness is within you, too!

Look Unto Me

     I have been, for years, well my entire marriage, I believe, looking for reassurances and a certain level of security, to feel like I belong and am wanted and accepted.  I have gotten it in moments here and there, but not much.  This caused me great stress and pain.  Many arguments and many difficulties.  I often have thought it would be better to be without a man, because I felt so betrayed and verbally abused by the men I have had in my life, for the most part.
    For as long as I can remember I have been seeking to better myself.  I remember being in high school and reading the Road Less Travelled.   I have always been searching for that.  God has been showing me what to do and things to do differently.  But I have been getting tired of being so hurt by the things being said to me.  Just tired of the things I would say and do after being so so hurt, too.
    After a week of what felt like non stop rejection and things gathering and gathering, something shifted and changed, praise God.  After being called a name a few times too many, it was it.   I told God I was done.  I had been working on getting back into the word and so I kept doing that.   God showed me through my lessons and bringing back to remembrance key verses I had read before, that God was my husband.  I realized that I can not look to my husband anymore for anything I need.  Maybe I should be able to, but I can not, so that point is not valid. I must rely on God.  God loves me so much and wants to show it even more I felt. So I decided to let God be my husband and for Him to love me.
    This decision has freed me.  My heart is lighter and I have more peace.  I do sometimes wish things were different.  But I must remind myself that God is making a way for my circumstances to change and be different.  I am looking forward to that.
    I do not know if I will be able to trust and open up to him again. But I am happy just knowing that God is on my side and I can get all I need from Him.  I do not need anyone else…God is my provider.  God always accepts and loves me and God always has reassurance for me in His Word.
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Where to go...

  I have been reading/meditating on John 15:11 and the surrounding verses.    So we are supposed to love one another (John 15:12)  and in doing that, putting aside our lives (John 15:13), we can be full of joy (John 15:11).  So having joy is just that simple.  But the verse says that we 'might' have his joy remain in us and we 'might' remain full of joy.  So, what is it that we need to do in order to have that joy?  I think we have to choose to have it.  I believe it is just that simple.  We could ask for it, like in John 15:16.  Or we can just believe we have it because Jesus told us it is a possibility.  And if we waver, which we are not to do (James 1:6), we can always ask God to help us with our unbelief like the father did in Mark 9:24.
     Also, to me joy is directly tied to resting in God's peace.  If we are resting in God...believing that He is taking care of everything and just enjoying the ride.  Then that lends our temperaments to be more susceptible to joy...our hearts are not hardened.
   
     I realized recently, thanks to God, that I had a lot of unforgiveness/bitterness in my heart that I needed to let go of.  I sat in bed and wrote 6 or so pages of confessing my forgiving of things that I found bothered me.  I do not want these things to rent space in my heart , thus hardening it, any more!  Hebrews 12:15 talks about how bitterness can defile many...all from one person.  If we are honest with ourselves, we can look at those we live with, or deal with regularly,  and see how our bitterness, or unforgiveness has affected them.  I can see this in my own life.  We have to be honest and real about these consequences of our choices and resolve to fix them by letting God work on those people, forgiving others, letting God heal our broken hearts (Luke 4:18), and repenting so we don't keep doing it over and over again...in that cycle the devil loves for us to be in.
    I just realized this week, actually, that I have had a part of my heart hardened.  Like I compartmentalized some feelings and they started to leak.  I started feeling feelings I had not felt in ages!  I actually started to listen to music again.  I am still unsure if that is the best thing for me, as music is a very powerful tool and can be used to sway your thoughts and emotions, often times to things that we really should not be thinking about, if we are trully honest with ourselves.  But I have been laughing again.  I have been smiling more.  I have been looking forward to things.  I am just starting to pick at understanding what is going on with me.  God is sharing it with me, bit by bit, in a way that I can handle. for He knows me best.
     God has been helping me realize some things in my marriage that I need to work on.  Learning respectful behaviour for one.  I am realizing that it is actually something I know how to do.  I have known how to do it.  I just have not done it.  I have some hurts from long ago that need to be healed.
      I have been longing to be appreciated and loved.  I have asked God for love...to feel His love.  To know how much He loves me.   I have been shown things in the Word.  But I have felt very cold in a lot of aspects of my life.  I know there is more passion and fire for God and my fellow man out there.  But why do I not have it?  God brought me in contact again with a dear friend from my past.  I started to feel appreciated and adored.  That is something I have not felt in over a decade.  (I have tears starting)  I am embarrassed to say that.  Almost like I have been living a lie.  I don't know if to others, myself, to God, or my husband, or everyone involved.   I am just soaking up the positive feedback like you would not believe.  Over the years it seems I have gotten way more negative feedback than ever positive feedback.  I have shut down on a certain level and am not open to certain feelings with the people that have done this to me.  I love them.  I do.  But the love is not God's best.  And the love is not the kind of love I enjoy most.  It is not full of spontaneity and passion and laughter and affection and beauty.  This love travels a flat line.  It swerves to miss the potholes of anger and resentment.  In these swervings it does occassionally hit some sweet spots in the road.  But overall, it is not anything memorable.  It does not put in my heart happy fulfilling memories.  Things to tell your kids and grandkids about.  
     I miss the laughter and kindness and the gentle fun love that God has put in my spirit.  I want that in my day to day life.  I do not know if I can have that with the people who hurt me.  To be honest, I do not know if I want to.  I know God can make anything happen...if I want it He will work it out for me to find that peace and joy.  But do I want it this way.  What are my alternatives?  Where to go from here?
    Pray and wait on God and the Holy Spirit to lead me in peace.

It has been difficult...

     I have not been the nicest person lately to my spouse. I have done really well, all around. But today I was nit picky and critical.  The only things are that I have been sleep deprived lately more than normal.  My son was sick a couple of weeks ago, he had a fever for 4.5 days.  Then this past week my daughter has been in her room with hand foot and mouth disease.  My son had a fever again yesterday.  But, praise God he was healed and is doing much better today.  He is just teething, it seems, and is needy.  But no fever.  But he did get me up at 3am.  I had had a good dream that I want to share, but at the moment am unable to write it down due to memory lapse.
     I tried to nap with my son last evening, but my husband woke me to ask if I needed anything.  I did not  get upset, I just went upstairs to bed.  Today, I was going to fall asleep on the couch with my son, but did not want a repeat of yesterday, so I told my husband I was going to go upstairs to sleep with our son.  My husband came up less than five minutes later, I just had our son to sleep, and woke him up, to ask where I put the cayenne pepper.  I was so frustrated and tired.  I kept telling him how frustrated I was, and how I just wanted to sleep, and that if he did not want to cook, he should have just told me, he did not have to wake him up.  I feel hubby is being passive aggressive.  Two days in a row he has woken me up when he knows I am not getting good sleep.  Hubby has not let me sleep in.  I have had to get up and cook every day, even though he is off in the mornings lately.  My daughter is out of school.  So I do not have to get up for her, but he won't help and let me catch up on my sleep.
     And then he seems so shocked that I am being snippy and impatient with him.  Well, I wonder why?  Men always get to sleep.  Women get short changed on our sleep so much.  And they blame pms for our moods. No, it is I have kids and you won't get your butt out of bed once or three times a week and let me sleep in, without pissing the kids off so they cry and wake me up 30 minutes later.  Arghie argh.
     Lord help me.  I am doing my best right now to not disrespect my husband.  But when he is not honoring and loving me, and I am tired and drained, it is harder than normal to be kind and sweet.  I want to.  He kept running his mouth and I did manage to walk over and when he was telling me to slap him, I just kissed him and said God loves you.
      Lord guide my husband to do what is best for our family Lord.  Because he is thinking of taking a promotion that will keep him away from home even longer.  He already is gone almost 11 hours.  He is only awake maybe 5 hours at best, at home with us.  He only gets one mean with his family a day.  He does not get time with me much anymore.  It can make you think you are second to his job, when they won't ever take a sick day to take care of you, and they are considering spending even more time at work. Money is not worth all of that.
     *I had had a vision a while back that my hubby would get promoted.  I told him that things were going to be changing at his job soon.  That was a short time ago.  Pretty amazing that it came to pass like that.  There is a big shift going on in the building where he works.
     Lord, help my husband see the priorities as you see them for his life.  I pray that he will open his heart to your will for his life and his job life.  I pray that he will be open to understanding how women are different in a good way from men and that you my Father made us to be that way!  I pray that he will follow your will and guidance and will do what is best for all of us, and not for his 'security blanket'.  That he will trust YOU for our money and not his own ability.
     Lord help me to focus on you when I get run down.  Help me to see the silver lining, the golden egg, the light in the darkness.  Help me to be more appreciative and less critical.  Help me to thank you most of all!  Help me to focus on your love for me and how much you love me and accept me!  Even when I do not feel valued or appreciated at home, thank you for showing me how much you appreciate me!  Keep showing me what to do with my life Lord. Show me how to be a better mother to my children and a better wife to my husband.  Thank you Lord.

New neighbors

A couple of weeks ago we noticed some new neighbors in a house that had been vacant for a while.  A nice family of ladies and gents.   I felt led to do something nice to welcome them to the neighborhood.  I made a blueberry loaf.  It turned out really well.   I want to make one for us sometime soon.  They were very receptive and sweet and thankful for the treat.  I pray for them and their family and their animals.  God bless them on their journeys.  

I made bread tonight, too.  I made 3 smaller loaves instead of two big loaves.  I made two small for sandwiches and one I made into a cinnamon sugar loaf.  Those make excellent french toast!  Yummy!  I rolled the dough out thinner so that when I rolled it back up with the cinnamon and sugar spread onto it, it would have more layers of cinnamon sugar goodness!  I will take a photo of that bread when I cut it open.