Wow

    So much has happened...and yet so little.  I have finished my first year of Charis Bible College, praise God.  I am now awaiting to hear back about my acceptance into the second year program in Colorado.  That is my immediate goal and hope.
    I read a couple of my past posts and realized I had relived those posts in a loop a few more times over the past year.  Kind of a bummer...as I wonder what did I not, "get"..learn that God wanted me to?  Have I learned it yet?  Or have I learned and just chosen to keep repeating out of my own stupidity?  Hmmm.
    I have found myself asking God to take away my longing to be loved by a man, if it is not His will for me to be with such a loving man as I so desire.  Not that God does not want me loved.  I digress.  But maybe now I am to learn things while I am alone in myself.  After talking to God about this, this morning, while lying in bed, with the rain scattering all around the roof...I got up and went about my day.  Now I have this sadness in my spirit...in my belly. 
    Back to school, I found myself today thinking I shouldn't put all of my expectations on this move.  That it may not make everything rosy.  But then I do not want to limit God in my life.  So high expectations of God is a good thing.  I know He loves me dearly...and wants me to be full of Love and Joy.  God is the one creation that I know for sure will not let me down.  So I am going to push through and keep my bets hedged on Him and His plan for my life.
    I think this sadness in my spirit is something more...something the Holy Spirit is telling me.  Lord thank you for your wisdom and knowledge and insight into my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my life.
    I was chatting with my daughter on the way to the house after the potluck at one of the churches we go to on occassion.  (We had a really good time.  I got to hang out with some awesome older folks who were a real blessing...they were from Kings Memorial United Methodist church and were visiting with that church.) As we were almost at the house I realized that after 13 years of marriage I can honestly say I do not know my husband at all.  I mentioned that briefly to my daughter.   I know very little about him, at all.  I do not know what he'd want to happen to his body if he died, let alone where his relationship with God is at right now.  I have no idea what his goals are...where his heart's desires lie.  I know in general what kinds of foods he likes to eat...and the types of beer he likes....and his likes and dislikes on tv.  But that's not deep.  That is not deep enough to warrant 13 years of research. 
    What next? 
    I feel as though I am at a point where I have to make a decision.  All I seem to be able to muster up is finishing school, with a small hope that I'll get to move with my mom and my kids and he'll stay behind.  Because this is one of the most unfulfilling experiences I have ever had. It has been full of creature comforts being met...I have a home, a car, nice appliances to help with my cleaning, hot water, clothes, shoes, bills are all paid....but for some reason it's been damn near impossible to break out...through...(I don't know if there is another layer) to something deeper and MORE.