Aha

     As someone at my meeting today said, we all have 'aha' moments.  Today I realized that I have some real issues stemming from my needs not being met as a child, teen, and adult.  I have issues, especially with men in my life.  My parents always put my dad's addictions first.  My needs were always put last it seemed.  Like I could never eat as much as I wanted of meat because my dad would get upset if he didn't have enough.  Well, that is what my mom taught me at an early age.  She told me that over and over.  Save that for your dad, just take a little.  SO, I was always hungry...lol.  Dad would often get the munchies at night and eat all of my snacks.  That is when we were finally able to afford to buy snacks.  For years we never had snacks.  We were lucky to have hot dogs and mac n cheese in a box.  Then my dad never bought me or contributed to any of the holidays for me.  He never got me a card...never gave me a gift.  Never took the time or money to do anything for me.  He did once.  That was when I was a teenager.  He bought me a radio.  I saved that thing for over 10 years!  I wore it out.  Even when the screen was no longer able to be read and I had to guess what it was doing...I still kept it and used it.  Because that was the first gift I had ever gotten from my dad.  My dad borrowed my first nice watch, a timex, when I was a kid, to use at a poker game.  He bet it, lost it, and I never got it back. Thanks dad.
      So, I want to be treated like a princess...or at least better than what my dad did.  But my husband does not get me gifts.  He does not give me things much for holidays.  When we were first together, he got his sister to buy me pink roses for valentines day.  Back then I hated pink and roses, too cliche.  (Now I take anything, as I get so little).    I want to be special to him and for him to make it a point to teach the kids how special I am.  I get the kids to pick out presents for him.  I get the kids to do cards for him.  I get the kids to help make baked goodies for him.  I am lucky to get anything...and when I do, it is usually done the night before.  He procrastinates on it everytime and gets upset that they never have anything I want.  Well, how many years does it take for someone to learn, not to wait to the last minute?  After 11 years with me and he still has not allowed himself to learn to plan ahead.  He will make every excuse in the book...but it all boils down to him not planning anything out.  "I don't have any money"  well save some next time and you will.  "They didn't have any"...well shop early and they do.  I just get tired of it.  I would not even have thought about this today except that he brought it up.  "I am going to get you something" and left.  Didn't ask what I wanted to do...just left.  Then made sure to tell me that no one had what he wanted to get me and that in our entire marriage he has never been able to get anything I like in the store.  Well, if you plan ahead of time honey, you have the option of buying online and getting anything you want.  When you procrastinate, you don't have many options.  To me that is common sense.
     I did not even expect anything from him this easter.  It is one of the biggest holidays for me...means so much.  But after last year...not even a card, I knew that I shouldn't expect anything.  I did ask him to at least make one with my son, that is what I really wanted...my kids to make one.  But there again, he did and got frustrated and flustered.  He didn't plan it, got pissed off, and left a big mess for me to clean up later.
     I would just like some recognition from my husband for the job I do.  I cook 3 meals a day...I clean everyday...I take care of our kids...I take care of him...and myself, and the animals, the home, etc.   I mean...is it asking so much to just remember me ahead of time...take the time and plan something for me for once.  I deserve that.  He knows what my parents did and what this means to me and yet he still does not take the time to show me I am special in a way that I would like.  His ways of showing someone they are special is buying diapers for me.  That doesn't really count to me....that is something we needed...not a treat for me.  You are just saving us all money cause your work is closer and your car has the better gas mileage. Period.  Not showing me how special I am.  Not treating me like a queen.

Where to go...

  I have been reading/meditating on John 15:11 and the surrounding verses.    So we are supposed to love one another (John 15:12)  and in doing that, putting aside our lives (John 15:13), we can be full of joy (John 15:11).  So having joy is just that simple.  But the verse says that we 'might' have his joy remain in us and we 'might' remain full of joy.  So, what is it that we need to do in order to have that joy?  I think we have to choose to have it.  I believe it is just that simple.  We could ask for it, like in John 15:16.  Or we can just believe we have it because Jesus told us it is a possibility.  And if we waver, which we are not to do (James 1:6), we can always ask God to help us with our unbelief like the father did in Mark 9:24.
     Also, to me joy is directly tied to resting in God's peace.  If we are resting in God...believing that He is taking care of everything and just enjoying the ride.  Then that lends our temperaments to be more susceptible to joy...our hearts are not hardened.
   
     I realized recently, thanks to God, that I had a lot of unforgiveness/bitterness in my heart that I needed to let go of.  I sat in bed and wrote 6 or so pages of confessing my forgiving of things that I found bothered me.  I do not want these things to rent space in my heart , thus hardening it, any more!  Hebrews 12:15 talks about how bitterness can defile many...all from one person.  If we are honest with ourselves, we can look at those we live with, or deal with regularly,  and see how our bitterness, or unforgiveness has affected them.  I can see this in my own life.  We have to be honest and real about these consequences of our choices and resolve to fix them by letting God work on those people, forgiving others, letting God heal our broken hearts (Luke 4:18), and repenting so we don't keep doing it over and over again...in that cycle the devil loves for us to be in.
    I just realized this week, actually, that I have had a part of my heart hardened.  Like I compartmentalized some feelings and they started to leak.  I started feeling feelings I had not felt in ages!  I actually started to listen to music again.  I am still unsure if that is the best thing for me, as music is a very powerful tool and can be used to sway your thoughts and emotions, often times to things that we really should not be thinking about, if we are trully honest with ourselves.  But I have been laughing again.  I have been smiling more.  I have been looking forward to things.  I am just starting to pick at understanding what is going on with me.  God is sharing it with me, bit by bit, in a way that I can handle. for He knows me best.
     God has been helping me realize some things in my marriage that I need to work on.  Learning respectful behaviour for one.  I am realizing that it is actually something I know how to do.  I have known how to do it.  I just have not done it.  I have some hurts from long ago that need to be healed.
      I have been longing to be appreciated and loved.  I have asked God for love...to feel His love.  To know how much He loves me.   I have been shown things in the Word.  But I have felt very cold in a lot of aspects of my life.  I know there is more passion and fire for God and my fellow man out there.  But why do I not have it?  God brought me in contact again with a dear friend from my past.  I started to feel appreciated and adored.  That is something I have not felt in over a decade.  (I have tears starting)  I am embarrassed to say that.  Almost like I have been living a lie.  I don't know if to others, myself, to God, or my husband, or everyone involved.   I am just soaking up the positive feedback like you would not believe.  Over the years it seems I have gotten way more negative feedback than ever positive feedback.  I have shut down on a certain level and am not open to certain feelings with the people that have done this to me.  I love them.  I do.  But the love is not God's best.  And the love is not the kind of love I enjoy most.  It is not full of spontaneity and passion and laughter and affection and beauty.  This love travels a flat line.  It swerves to miss the potholes of anger and resentment.  In these swervings it does occassionally hit some sweet spots in the road.  But overall, it is not anything memorable.  It does not put in my heart happy fulfilling memories.  Things to tell your kids and grandkids about.  
     I miss the laughter and kindness and the gentle fun love that God has put in my spirit.  I want that in my day to day life.  I do not know if I can have that with the people who hurt me.  To be honest, I do not know if I want to.  I know God can make anything happen...if I want it He will work it out for me to find that peace and joy.  But do I want it this way.  What are my alternatives?  Where to go from here?
    Pray and wait on God and the Holy Spirit to lead me in peace.