Where to go...

  I have been reading/meditating on John 15:11 and the surrounding verses.    So we are supposed to love one another (John 15:12)  and in doing that, putting aside our lives (John 15:13), we can be full of joy (John 15:11).  So having joy is just that simple.  But the verse says that we 'might' have his joy remain in us and we 'might' remain full of joy.  So, what is it that we need to do in order to have that joy?  I think we have to choose to have it.  I believe it is just that simple.  We could ask for it, like in John 15:16.  Or we can just believe we have it because Jesus told us it is a possibility.  And if we waver, which we are not to do (James 1:6), we can always ask God to help us with our unbelief like the father did in Mark 9:24.
     Also, to me joy is directly tied to resting in God's peace.  If we are resting in God...believing that He is taking care of everything and just enjoying the ride.  Then that lends our temperaments to be more susceptible to joy...our hearts are not hardened.
   
     I realized recently, thanks to God, that I had a lot of unforgiveness/bitterness in my heart that I needed to let go of.  I sat in bed and wrote 6 or so pages of confessing my forgiving of things that I found bothered me.  I do not want these things to rent space in my heart , thus hardening it, any more!  Hebrews 12:15 talks about how bitterness can defile many...all from one person.  If we are honest with ourselves, we can look at those we live with, or deal with regularly,  and see how our bitterness, or unforgiveness has affected them.  I can see this in my own life.  We have to be honest and real about these consequences of our choices and resolve to fix them by letting God work on those people, forgiving others, letting God heal our broken hearts (Luke 4:18), and repenting so we don't keep doing it over and over again...in that cycle the devil loves for us to be in.
    I just realized this week, actually, that I have had a part of my heart hardened.  Like I compartmentalized some feelings and they started to leak.  I started feeling feelings I had not felt in ages!  I actually started to listen to music again.  I am still unsure if that is the best thing for me, as music is a very powerful tool and can be used to sway your thoughts and emotions, often times to things that we really should not be thinking about, if we are trully honest with ourselves.  But I have been laughing again.  I have been smiling more.  I have been looking forward to things.  I am just starting to pick at understanding what is going on with me.  God is sharing it with me, bit by bit, in a way that I can handle. for He knows me best.
     God has been helping me realize some things in my marriage that I need to work on.  Learning respectful behaviour for one.  I am realizing that it is actually something I know how to do.  I have known how to do it.  I just have not done it.  I have some hurts from long ago that need to be healed.
      I have been longing to be appreciated and loved.  I have asked God for love...to feel His love.  To know how much He loves me.   I have been shown things in the Word.  But I have felt very cold in a lot of aspects of my life.  I know there is more passion and fire for God and my fellow man out there.  But why do I not have it?  God brought me in contact again with a dear friend from my past.  I started to feel appreciated and adored.  That is something I have not felt in over a decade.  (I have tears starting)  I am embarrassed to say that.  Almost like I have been living a lie.  I don't know if to others, myself, to God, or my husband, or everyone involved.   I am just soaking up the positive feedback like you would not believe.  Over the years it seems I have gotten way more negative feedback than ever positive feedback.  I have shut down on a certain level and am not open to certain feelings with the people that have done this to me.  I love them.  I do.  But the love is not God's best.  And the love is not the kind of love I enjoy most.  It is not full of spontaneity and passion and laughter and affection and beauty.  This love travels a flat line.  It swerves to miss the potholes of anger and resentment.  In these swervings it does occassionally hit some sweet spots in the road.  But overall, it is not anything memorable.  It does not put in my heart happy fulfilling memories.  Things to tell your kids and grandkids about.  
     I miss the laughter and kindness and the gentle fun love that God has put in my spirit.  I want that in my day to day life.  I do not know if I can have that with the people who hurt me.  To be honest, I do not know if I want to.  I know God can make anything happen...if I want it He will work it out for me to find that peace and joy.  But do I want it this way.  What are my alternatives?  Where to go from here?
    Pray and wait on God and the Holy Spirit to lead me in peace.