Aha

     As someone at my meeting today said, we all have 'aha' moments.  Today I realized that I have some real issues stemming from my needs not being met as a child, teen, and adult.  I have issues, especially with men in my life.  My parents always put my dad's addictions first.  My needs were always put last it seemed.  Like I could never eat as much as I wanted of meat because my dad would get upset if he didn't have enough.  Well, that is what my mom taught me at an early age.  She told me that over and over.  Save that for your dad, just take a little.  SO, I was always hungry...lol.  Dad would often get the munchies at night and eat all of my snacks.  That is when we were finally able to afford to buy snacks.  For years we never had snacks.  We were lucky to have hot dogs and mac n cheese in a box.  Then my dad never bought me or contributed to any of the holidays for me.  He never got me a card...never gave me a gift.  Never took the time or money to do anything for me.  He did once.  That was when I was a teenager.  He bought me a radio.  I saved that thing for over 10 years!  I wore it out.  Even when the screen was no longer able to be read and I had to guess what it was doing...I still kept it and used it.  Because that was the first gift I had ever gotten from my dad.  My dad borrowed my first nice watch, a timex, when I was a kid, to use at a poker game.  He bet it, lost it, and I never got it back. Thanks dad.
      So, I want to be treated like a princess...or at least better than what my dad did.  But my husband does not get me gifts.  He does not give me things much for holidays.  When we were first together, he got his sister to buy me pink roses for valentines day.  Back then I hated pink and roses, too cliche.  (Now I take anything, as I get so little).    I want to be special to him and for him to make it a point to teach the kids how special I am.  I get the kids to pick out presents for him.  I get the kids to do cards for him.  I get the kids to help make baked goodies for him.  I am lucky to get anything...and when I do, it is usually done the night before.  He procrastinates on it everytime and gets upset that they never have anything I want.  Well, how many years does it take for someone to learn, not to wait to the last minute?  After 11 years with me and he still has not allowed himself to learn to plan ahead.  He will make every excuse in the book...but it all boils down to him not planning anything out.  "I don't have any money"  well save some next time and you will.  "They didn't have any"...well shop early and they do.  I just get tired of it.  I would not even have thought about this today except that he brought it up.  "I am going to get you something" and left.  Didn't ask what I wanted to do...just left.  Then made sure to tell me that no one had what he wanted to get me and that in our entire marriage he has never been able to get anything I like in the store.  Well, if you plan ahead of time honey, you have the option of buying online and getting anything you want.  When you procrastinate, you don't have many options.  To me that is common sense.
     I did not even expect anything from him this easter.  It is one of the biggest holidays for me...means so much.  But after last year...not even a card, I knew that I shouldn't expect anything.  I did ask him to at least make one with my son, that is what I really wanted...my kids to make one.  But there again, he did and got frustrated and flustered.  He didn't plan it, got pissed off, and left a big mess for me to clean up later.
     I would just like some recognition from my husband for the job I do.  I cook 3 meals a day...I clean everyday...I take care of our kids...I take care of him...and myself, and the animals, the home, etc.   I mean...is it asking so much to just remember me ahead of time...take the time and plan something for me for once.  I deserve that.  He knows what my parents did and what this means to me and yet he still does not take the time to show me I am special in a way that I would like.  His ways of showing someone they are special is buying diapers for me.  That doesn't really count to me....that is something we needed...not a treat for me.  You are just saving us all money cause your work is closer and your car has the better gas mileage. Period.  Not showing me how special I am.  Not treating me like a queen.